A Letter from Kanye’s Gold Digger

Posted on April 14, 2012


She Asked, What should I do to marry a rich guy?

Are women Gold diggers? That is seriously a dumb question to ask because it generalizes all women into one basket. In truth, I personally don’t think so, but I know a gold digger when I see one just like I recognize my own shadow beneath the sun’s rays.

There are all types of women in the waters of our Wide Sargasso Sea. I’ve never been approached by gold digger, I’m one of those “trying-to-get-by” hip-hop artists who just so happens to have been a high school teacher while working towards a 2nd Masters degree at McGill.

Gold diggers are not drawn to me, I don’t have gold, nor do I have the green. Truth be told, I get a lot of free stuff – if I walk in a party or a club, I’m offered oysters, cocaine, weed, drinks – simply because I have been lucky (or even unlucky) to have met many different people. Artists get free stuff, walk down the street and know people and are greeted. Why? Simply put they are in the public eye – and get this, I’m not even at the top of the game.

Beyond this, I feel that a woman who is a gold digger is sadly blinded by not seeing the bigger picture. My wallet may not have those credit cards, my sock drawer may not even have stacks of green (I don’t have a sock drawer myself, I leave my clean socks in a pile in the corner) however, I have character and charisma and many wise women have noticed and been drawn to that. In essence, all you want is a woman to love you for you, fuck the Gold because that shit can easily come and go. Regimental Oneton quoted Charles Bukowski: “Even early on, I got it, I stopped looking for a Dream Girl; I just wanted one that wasn’t a nightmare.”

Regimental Oneton's large Bukowski joint at the Fresh Paint Gallery.

Monroes by Regimental Oneton, Fresh Paint Gallery, Montreal.

As I write this, I play Kanye’s “Gold Digger.” I don’t listen to Kanye, he can be too much of a he-bitch, however I let this track play, I never had anything against Jamie Foxx, always portrays excellent personas in film.

Shifting ever so slightly from Kanye’s rendition is JP Morgan‘s response to young hottie in letter form. In a nutshell, she more than just a sugar pappi, she desires to coat that sugar pappi with the honey of matrimony, in other words, da lockdown. The one question is if she ever heard Kanye’s track…

So here’s how her posting goes – What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here. I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

Monsieur Kanye avec les Gold Diggers, freshly sprayed in Gold, Mickey Boston says JP Morgan can air brush it all off.

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough. I’m here humbly to ask a few questions: 1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym) 2) Which age group should I target? 3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys. 4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Enter Big Papa JP Morgan

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money”: Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason.

The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later. By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool. Hope this reply helps.


J.P. Morgan CEO

PS: Play “Hot One” by Mickey Boston and Regimental Oneton!